Tips on How to Have a Long-Lasting Relationship

Love at the start of the relationship is at its easiest. You are infatuated with each other, and every new activity makes a brand new memory. It gets a little harder later on when you are trying to make the relationship last. This challenge shouldn’t be viewed as dull or tedious. Often it is the long-lasting relationships that enrich life the most. It just takes a little work learning how to have a long-lasting relationship!

Below are insights on how to have a better long-lasting relationship.

How to Have a Long Lasting Relationship

1. Be your own person

Do some “adulting” yourself before entering into a serious relationship says Dr. Ellen Hendriksonon from The Savvy Psychologist Podcast. Separate in a healthy way from your family. Learn to do laundry, cook some meals, and invest in yourself before entangling your life with another.

Also, you should have interests apart from one another. It can be easy to end up tying everything in your lives together. Keep some separation, have your careers, hobbies, interests, and goals. Learn to appreciate what is unique about each other. It keeps the relationship fresh and lets each party work on what they want to develop while still supporting the relationship.

2. Be a Team

Even when you are pursuing separate goals, you have to root for each other, and support each other as best you can. Their success is your success, and it should be celebrated.

Also, Dr. Hendrikson advises approaching problems with unified detachment.  Unified detachment is a shift to instead of viewing problems as “you vs. your crazy partner” it frames issues to focus on the problem. For example, “what should we do to save money for the future?” or “how can we work together to fight less?”

3. Take and Receive Feedback

Dr. Firestone, a relationship specialist, also advises approaching issues with a mindset of being ready for honesty. Being honest and open to feedback means not getting defensive and “counterattacking when our partner gives us feedback, we should look for the kernel of truth in what they’re saying.” Learn to take and receive feedback.

4. Be grateful for Your Partner

Be grateful to feed a cycle of generosity. When you are grateful and generous with your partner, they will start to be grateful and generous back to you. This cycle will continue to feed itself until being grateful is the new normal. The cycle of generosity can boost commitment to the relationship, and also bolsters positive feelings about each other.

5. Show Your Love

Saying “I love you” can decrease in meaning as time goes on. Especially if there are no actions to back it up. Constantly fighting or forgetting to do chores is not a way to properly show your love. Instead, give little gifts, make time to go on dates, do things for the other person, and even hold hands. Small gestures can go a long way to show your partner you are still in love with them.

6. Be Equal

A study from the American Journal of Sociology found that couples in egalitarian relationships are less likely to divorce than couples where the power is held by one party. Being equal doesn’t mean just splitting chores along gender lines. Being equal means splitting “low control” and “high control” tasks. Low control tasks are tasks with little choice in the matter. Low control tasks have to be done more or less continuously, like washing the dishes or making dinner. High control tasks can be done when it is convenient and have a specific end. Examples include mowing the lawn or home repair.

Usually, women have done low control chores, and men have done high control tasks. Break some gender lines, and break-up the chores by interests, skills, and values over gender roles. Let the more social one arrange friend events, the one who likes to cook makes the food, and the handy one can handle the home repair. Dividing work by interests will promote feelings of equality, and each person is doing a mixed basket of both low control and high control chores. 

7. Expect a lot from Your Partner, but Not Everything

A study in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that marriages stay happy with a combination of high expectations and partners’ ability to reach them. Couples were asked about their expectations in the relationship and then were brought into the lab. With a researcher the couple identified a conflict in their relationship and had to work towards a resolution. When individuals had high expectations of each other and their partners could handle the conflict effectively, that combination made for a happier relationship.

8. Commit to Commitment Itself

Dr. Hendriksen says, “couple therapist in training are taught to pay attention to three things in the therapy room – each partner and also the relationship.  Every couple creates their own little culture, and it is vital to note if it’s a culture of love, support, and compromise, or one of criticism, insecurity, and power struggles.”

Each relationship makes its ecology, make sure to foster a positive ecology that promotes the growth of each individual and the relationship itself.

Main Take-Aways

• It is a lot of work to have a long-lasting relationship. It requires constant communication, and both parties growing in their own lives, but together.
• Be grateful for your partner and show that appreciation every day to help build a relationship based around love and support.

Action Items

How is your long-term relationship going? In which of these areas are you lacking, and what strategy can you use to get back on track? Implement it today and see how your partner reacts.