How to Communicate in a Relationship

Learning how to communicate in a relationship is an essential part of developing a healthy partnership. All relationships have their highs and lows, but a healthy communication style can make it easier to deal with conflict, and build healthier relationships.

Unfortunately, not all couples handle conflict well. Studies show that lack of communication is the number 1 reason couples seek therapy. Furthermore, if the communication does not improve with intervention, these couples begin to experience even more dissatisfaction with their relationship.

The Benefits of Communication

Everyone knows about the “First Big Fight” as a potentially destructive milestone in a relationship. Studies have investigated the relationships that survive the first big fight and those who do not.

The relationships that survive the first big fight experience three things: clarification of feelings, awareness of interdependence, and the introduction of their partner’s conflict style. What separates those who survive the fight and those who do not? Excluding the outlier examples of infidelity, and prioritizing their career, those in similar situations – the ones who communicated effectively survived while those who couldn’t broke-up.

Outside of the first big fight, this is how all conflict can happen in a relationship. Conflict can either bring the couple together with understanding or erode the trust between the pair.

How to Communicate Effectively in Relationships

1. Identify Your Communication Styles

Before working on the overall skills needed to improve your communication, you need to look at how you both prefer to communicate. Some people like to talk, others prefer to touch, and others are more visual or respond better to gift-giving than outward discussion of feelings. You might default to your style, do you know what your partner is? Need help figuring it out?

The 5 Love Languages is a book that discusses the different styles of communication in romantic relationships. I find it pretty helpful. They even offer a quiz here for free that you and your partner can take!

2. See What Your Partner Needs

All healthy relationships foster the same basic human needs. There is a sense of love, security, happiness, certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, and contribution. A relationship needs to feel all those aspects for it to be a healthy and sustainable relationship. Tony Robbins discusses more in-depth those points on his podcast.

Beyond the high-level needs, what does your partner need today or during the conflict? Maybe they just need you to practice active listening to hear about their day, maybe they had a rough day at work and would appreciate you doing the cooking tonight, or maybe they just need positive affirmation that you care about them.

When your partner is bringing up complaints or potential conflict, focus on what need isn’t being met or ask them what they need. Then work together to figure out how you can meet that need for them.

3. Be Open with Your Feelings

Being honest and open is essential to healthy communication in the relationship. That means saying what you mean, expressing how you feel (even if it is negative or shows your vulnerability), and not leaving items open for interpretation. You are clear with what you say and you work with your partner to help them understand what you are feeling.

During this talking, you can get emotional, but you should never attach the other person. Remember that your relationship is a safe space for both parties. What you are feeling should be allowed to be expressed freely.

If you are conflict-averse, you might be prone to avoid conflict and bottling up your feelings. Studies show that by bottling up your feelings, you are more likely to experience feelings of annoyance, anxiety, and anger when dealing with the cause (your partner) of your feelings than if you just let your partner know how you were feeling.

4. Practice tackling the Problem, not the Person

When talking about needs not being met, focus on the problem instead of the person. Work to approach solving the problem together instead of going down the avenue of personal attack.

For instance, instead of “you spend all our money on stupid things for yourself”, ask “how can we work to save for our retirement more effectively”. Or, instead of “you spend all your time with your friends” say, “I want to get to spend more time with you. How can we make our schedules work so we get more time together.” Focus on the problem, and you both can work to make sure your needs are met while having a productive conversation.

Berkley has a step by step process on their website. It is about solving issues at work but it also applies to relationships.

See this guide on how to have a long-lasting relationship!

5. Utilize Multiple Communication Styles

A study of long-distance romantic relationships found that utilizing a mix of phone calls, Facetime, and letter-writing improved the relationship. By using a mix of methods, different feelings were conveyed. Some showed thoughtfulness and others promoted intimacy by seeing their face.

You can use the same idea in your relationship even if you are not long distance. Express how you are feeling in different ways to your partner. Leave them happy little notes, write them a letter, and FaceTime call them just because. It will help show them you care.

6. Practice Gratitude

When handling conflict, it can be easy to focus on the problem or the faults of the other person. However, you can also practice gratitude for the person being in your life.

Maybe not in the heat of the moment, but if the conflict does get resolved, you can thank your partner afterword’s with “I am grateful and appreciate that you talked through that issue with me.”

See this guide on how to practice more gratitude in your life!

7. Change your Style

Depending on the situation, change the conversation’s tone.

Research reveals that direct opposition can be necessary when serious problems need to be fixed. Partners can change but can inflict harm when partners are not confident or secure enough to be responsive.

In contrast, a softer more cooperative approach involving affection and validation can be harmful when serious problems need to change but may be sustained in the face of minor problems, cannot be changed, or involve partners whose defensiveness curtails problem-solving.

In short, couples need to adjust their communication to the contextual demands they are facing to turn conflict into a catalyst for building healthier and happier relationships.

Main Take-Aways

• Being an effective communicator begins with understanding your partner and what they need when conflict arises.
• Focus on tackling the problem, not the person.
• Be respectful and considerate above all else.

Action item

What is the argument that brought you to this article today? How can you utilize the steps to have a more productive conversation the next time? Make a gameplan now so you are ready when conflict arises.