Sometimes, reminding is needed to stop beating yourself up.
Having goals is great and striving to achieve those goals is even better. However, in the endless pursuit of those goals, whenever there is a stumble or something is less-than-perfect, we often start beating ourselves up for the mistake. We seek improvement and at that moment, we look for flaws to be improved. Constantly looking for issues can lead to over-zealous self-criticism which dampens the mood.
Why You Should Stop Beating Yourself Up
Beyond just that, sometimes things just happened. Somethings are out of our control. A pertinent example for me was when I was parked in my college parking garage. When I came back to my car, there was a huge dent over my front right tire. Someone must have come in at an angle, hit my car, and then just left. There was no note, and I was running late to a lunch meeting.
At the meeting, I was talking with my mentor about the school, work, and future goals. However, in the natural lulls of conversation, my head would immediately go back to my car. Why did I park right by the stairs? If I hadn’t parked in that spot I wouldn’t have been hit. How could that person just leave after leaving such a big dent in my car? My mind prattled on, beating myself up over a circumstance out of my control when I should have been more mindful and present at the moment.
A Quick Tip: See this guide on how to quickly let small things go!
We are responsible for our reactions to events, especially when it’s shitty things that happen outside of our control.
A Story to Stop Beating Yourself Up
Just recently, I found the story from Buddhism about the second arrow from Dr. Laurie Santos’, Ask Me Anything on Reddit. The story goes like this from Doctor Santos:
“Buddha asks his followers if it’s bad to get hit with an arrow when you’re walking down the street, which they quickly agree it is. Then he asks if it’s worse to get hit with a second arrow. All the followers agree that yup, getting hit with two arrows would suck more. Buddha goes on to explain that the first arrow is out of our control— that’s all the bad stuff that happens to us in life. But the second arrow is our reaction to those bad events— whether we get angry or upset and make things worse. That second arrow is always up to us.”
Laurie Santos
How does this story stop you from beating yourself up?
The story is a gentle reminder to hold that second arrow. We can do what we can to control the first arrow. We can take care of ourselves the best we can emotionally, financially, physically, and those in our lives the best we can, but shitty things still happen.
Unexpected illness, the COIVD pandemic, a company lay-off, someone hitting our car in the garage, these are all shitty circumstances of varying degrees that we can’t 100% control.
That’s the first arrow. It hits us. What we have power over is the second arrow. We can get upset, but after that whatever you do, you do to yourself. For me, the effects were benign, I was a little distracted at a meeting with one of my mentors, and thankfully the car isn’t a big issue in the scheme of life. I was able to fix it with some money.
The story is a small example, but it can happen anywhere and with anyone.
Main Take-Aways
- We can not always control when bad things happen to us, all we can control is our reaction to it.
- To help with not beating ourselves up, and getting upset, we can control how we react to those situations.
- Beating yourself up after a tough situation doesn’t help the situation and only makes yourself feel worse.
Action items
This week, whenever something is upsetting you, think to yourself, “Do not hit myself with the second arrow”.
These can be for small annoyances, traffic jams, inconsiderate people, or anything else that gets under your skin. See how you feel after you hold the arrow. Do you personally feel better and have less negative emotions such as anger, sorrow, or berate?
