If you are looking for advice on how to make the most out of your twenties, then The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter – and How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay is one of the books you need to get.
Dr. Meg Jay is a Clinical Psychologist and a Professor of Human Development at the University of Virginia who specializes in adult development and focuses on twentysomethings (people 20-29) in particular.
Through stories with her twentysomething clients and her extensive research, Dr. Jay provides lessons on work, relationships, and personal development that anyone going through their critical adult-forming years needs to learn.
The Main Idea of The Defining Decade (H2)
“Almost invariably, growth and development have what’s called a critical period. There’s a particular period of maturation in which, with external stimulation of the appropriate kind, the capacity will pretty suddenly develop and mature. Before that and later than that, it’s either harder or impossible.”
Noam Chomsky, linguist & cognitive scientist
Noam Chomsky found that in certain parts of people’s lives, they are more elastic to rapid development. Think of the growing pains you went through in middle and high school. Both physically and emotionally you were maturing and changing. This period of growth happens again in your 20s, more from an emotional standpoint. Where people either lean into adulthood or shy away from it.
People who lean into being an adult grow faster. Those who stumble, try, and discover themselves in their 20s report higher happiness, life satisfaction, and even earn more money than their peers who didn’t mature during the same period.
The main idea: Lean into adulthood and use your 20s to grow.
9 Key Lessons from The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
1. Practice Self-Discovery to Figure out What you Want in Life
“Twentysomething is like airplanes, planes just leaving New York City-bound somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight course change is a difference between landing in either Seattle or San Diego. But once a plane is nearly in San Diego, only a big detour will redirect it to the northwest.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
Dr. Jay recommends viewing your 20s as that long-intercontinental flight. If you chart your course while on the East Coast- you can make steady progress towards your destination of where you want your life to go. If you wait till you are over Las Vegas to decide what you want to do (at 29)– you will have to make hard turns and pivots to end up at that end destination.
2. Don’t Live Life on Cruise Control
“Ask yourself questions like, what is my dream job? What do I want from life? What is authentic to me? In what characteristics do I value?”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
They will be tough to answer – but pondering, reflecting, and working towards an answer will help you find and start to live a life that is more authentically you. People who work towards their ideal life report higher life satisfaction, happiness, and overall well-being.
Need help on your self-discovery journey? Check out some of our guides below to help get you started!
- Questions to Find Your Dream Job
- Discover Your Ideal life
- How to write your unique personal value statement
3. Develop Your Identity Capital
“Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a resume, such as degrees, jobs, tests, and clubs. Others are more personal like how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, and how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves – bit by bit.”
Erik Erikson, Psychologist
Erik Erikson is famous for developing the Stages of Psychosocial Development. His research points to that people tend to have a view of their identity that is built slowly over time.
People who focus solely on building capital (degrees, jobs, networks, wealth, etc.) and never do self-exploration report feeling rigid and too conventional in their lives. However, people who focus only on their exploration while never building any capital suffer from an identity crisis of not knowing who they are to the bigger world.
The goal is the balance building capital and exploring what is authentically you. That means making commitments along the way while also taking the time to find what you enjoy and want.
4. Grow your Weak Ties
“Weak ties are the people we have met, or are connected to somehow but do not currently know well… Weak ties are also our former employers or professors and any other associations who have not been promoted to close friends…As we look for jobs or relationships or opportunities of any kind, it is the people we know the least well who will be the most transformative. New things almost always come from outside your inner circle.”
Dr. Meh Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
It may feel the most comfortable to ask people you know well for jobs, potential date introductions, or any opportunity in general. However, they most likely know all the same information you do. It is the people who are a degree or two removed from you (friends of friends, or bosses’ former employees) who are the ones who truly know novel opportunities that might interest you.
It’s these weak ties who have a whole different world and knowledge base that they can tap into to find new opportunities for you.
If you are feeling hesitant to reach out or ask your contacts for introductions, it helps to remember a famous Benjamin Franklin quote:
“He that hath once done you kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
Benjamin Franklin
People get a Helper’s high from being generous with their time or knowledge. They will appreciate the opportunity to help you, your mutual friend, and even the opportunity/job they recommend you to. Everyone likes helping (as long as you are genuine and don’t take advantage of people’s generosity). You can also practice helping those weak ties you know as well!
5 Life is Assembled in Pieces
“Potential is reached in the 30s or 40s but starts to be built in your 20s.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
We often see the red herrings of success. Mark Zuckerberg founding Facebook in his 20s or even Ryan ToysReview who makes multi-millions a year from his Toy Reviews.
However, life is often built over years at a time. What matters is building the pieces that matter to you.
We often think we have a skill or don’t. We can or can’t paint, learn a language, take on an ambitious career, or get into the school of our dreams.
What matters is realizing time will pass anyway. We might as well use it to cultivate the experiences, skills, friendships, and strengths that mean the most to you with that time. Especially the ones that will lead you closer to living that unique, ideal life of yours.
Feeling stuck with learning new skills or seeing what you want your story to be? Check out the below guides to get going on building what matters to you.
- How to Develop Your Personal Brand
- Is it better to have a growth or fixed mindset?
- The Best Way to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
- How to be a lifelong learner
6. Look for people “in like”
“Studies have repeatedly found that couple who are similar in areas such as socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity, religion, attractiveness, attitudes, values, and intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and are less likely to see divorce. One matchmaker to consider is personality. Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship. Yet personality is how dating, and even married, couples tend to be least alike.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
Dr. Jay discusses the Five-Factor Model in how it relates to romantic relationships. Even though it is a clique that “opposites attract” – for the most part, that isn’t true.
Couples who score similarly from the background and on the Big 5 Personalities are often the happiest when it comes to partner satisfaction. When looking for love – see people who compliment you and are similar.
After checking out the chart, discover other green flags here!
7. Pick Challenging Experiences
“Twentysomethings who don’t feel anxious and incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
If you are feeling a bit of imposter syndrome in your 20s – that is perfectly natural! You lack the experiences of everyone else around you. In school, you had a big group of peers going through the list of firsts with you as well.
In the professional world, you might be the only one starting in your role at your office. There isn’t anyone else to lean on – so you must learn while also dealing with “more successful” people than you every day. Those experiences are sources of growth and let you develop more into who you want to be at work as well.
8. Develop Confidence through Mastery Experiences
“Real confidence comes from actual mastery experiences, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Whether we are talking about love or work, the confidence that overrides insecurity comes from experience. There is no other way.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
To get over the feelings of imposter syndrome – or even to achieve life goals – we need to develop mastery experiences. Which are proven experiences of success. Giving a big presentation at work, having a great first date, or networking successfully at an event – all these experiences provide an opportunity for feedback or mastery. Accumulating enough of them builds feelings of confidence.
To learn more about how confidence works – check out the below guides.
9. Work on Having a Positive Mindset
“Even simply having goals can make us happier and more confident.”
Dr. Meg Jay, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter
Hopefully through following the above tips you’ve started thinking about what you want out of life. The saying is “life is a marathon”.
I am often reminded of a story by Derek Sivers. He would bike furiously for 15 miles along Santa Monica beach-going 100%. His time was always forty-three minutes. Then one day he decided to go 50%. He noticed all the little things like pelicans and dolphins while still exercising. It took him forty-five minutes. His stress made him feel like he was giving more, when in reality if he eased his mindset, he could have a lot more fun and still mostly hit his goal.
Apply the same logic to your goals. Work hard, but it’s better to stick with your goals longer in a happy mood – than it is to burn out trying to get them done at 100% all the time.
Key Take-Aways
- The Defining Decade is your 20s
- Use your 20s to explore what you want from life while building the social capital necessary that enables you to achieve your long-term dreams.
- Establish a Growth and positive mindset to make the journey towards adulthood and your 30s more enjoyable
Action Item
How do you want to use your defining decade? What do you want to accomplish in your 20s and your life? Take an hour the next weekend to brainstorm this question. If you get stuck, that is okay. Simply stick with the allotted time. It will be amazing what silence (and a little boredom) can inspire you to discover about yourself!
