Red flags in relationships relate to warning signals. Red flags are often thought of in Romantic Relationships, but they can also apply to friendships, mentorships, family, and any other relationship that you can have in your life.
While not necessarily signaling the end of the relationship, red flags do show that the behavior of the other party needs to change in the relationship dynamic.
Ref flags can help you notice and bring up these behavior problems with the other person in a constructive manner so the relationship can be saved. Do consider, not everyone (especially those with these tendencies) are receptive to changing this relationship dynamic. For your own sake, you should consider ending this relationship because it is no longer beneficial to you.
Before getting there, lets establish some common red flags in a relationship.
Red Flags in Relationships
1. Lack of Communication
Communication is one of the most critical factors in a successful relationship, and in romantic relationships, a lack of communication is often an indicator of a divorce. Outside of romantic relationships, this is also a signal that the other person does not have your best interest at heart.
Everything runs through communication, both verbal and non-verbal. It is how we communicate ideas, plans, how we are feeling, and our thoughts on the relationship. If the other person does not want to communicate, it is impossible to know where they stand in their feelings with both yourself and the relationship as a whole.
2. Irresponsible
They do not take accountability for their actions. Not owning accountability means they find it hard to handle age-appropriate responsibilities. Be it school, work, managing a house, and relationships. Beyond just that, they are immature in the sense that they look to do childish things instead of taking responsibility for the obligations they have in their life.
Irresponsible people often have a “victim” mindset where things happen to them, and they have an excuse for every shortcoming in any area of their life.
3. Controlling behavior
This person wants to be everything in your life. It is okay to check-in to see what you are up to. But when they want to know everything you are doing, and then start saying what you can and can’t do, this is an indicator that the person has a controlling personality. Which can leave you eventually living a life you don’t want.
One controlled entirely by the other person, simply because you want to avoid upsetting them? That isn’t fair to you as a person, and the other party should desire what is best for you – even if that means they are not included in every aspect of your life.
4. They try to drive a wedge between friends and family
Isolating behavior can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, and business partnerships. It relates to being controlling. By alienating you from your family, and friends, this person becomes your only relationship. They want that power. It is okay for this person to be important to you. However, healthy relationships accept boundaries and let the other person be their own person outside of the relationship as well as in it.
5. They cannot take negative feedback
The person cannot take negative feedback. Relationships are about improving the other person, and that calls for negative feedback at times. It doesn’t mean criticism, but honest feedback about areas of improvement or how the relationship could be bettered. An initial negative response is normal, but the person should quickly come around to discussing the feedback.
Getting overly upset, hurt, or angry about the slightest hint of feedback is a sign that this person only wants their ideas validated with no areas of improvement for themself. They don’t want to grow in the relationship. Especially, if they are constantly giving you areas of improvement but don’t accept any for themselves.
6. Shifts the blame
Whenever something goes wrong, even something they did, they find a way to shift the blame onto you. An example looks like this. When person A makes a mistake, he or she then blames the actions of person B as justification for what person A has done.
To demonstrate, person A wants to talk to person B’s co-workers during a virtual happy hour. Person A explains this is not what they want, and then person B gets on the call anyway. Person B calls them out and diffuses the situation. Person A then blames person B by saying they embarrassed them on the call.
This tendency plays into the larger role that whenever anything goes wrong, they are always the victim. They are never responsible for their actions and always feel like they are the unfortunate person at the end of any situation that does not go their way. Even if they caused the outcome in the first place.
7. They exhibit narcissistic tendencies
It is normal to have self-interest, but when the relationship always revolves around the other person, it is a form of narcissism. Narcissism in a relationship means that all the topics of the conversation relate to that person. Or you always have to do to what they want to do. Unfortunately, your relationship is just another form of them gratifying what they want to do at your expense.
8. Using past failures as a form of putting people down
It is okay to make mistakes in a relationship. Once the mistake is talked about and handled maturely, that should be the end of the conversation. As time goes on, if they bring up something from the past that was already discussed, especially if it was years ago, they are attacking who you were as a person while ignoring all the progress you made in developing to where you are currently.
Calling back to earlier failures is a form of psychological abuse that is trying to make you feel small because they are implying you haven’t changed at all since then. This is not the case, do not let them invalidate all your hard-work on self-improvement.
9. Apologizing and not changing behavior
When the person is wrong, they apologize for their action. Then the same situation presents itself, but they make no effort to change. Instead, they do the same thing consistently over and over again. Apologizing but not changing their behavior means they are using that apology as a way to shelf the argument, without having to change anything about themselves.
10.Gaslighting and manipulation
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the person covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their memory, perception, or judgment. Often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Kati Morton gives an example of gaslighting that could be person B recalls a memory, and person A (the manipulator) denies that the experience happened that way or even happened in the first place. Consistently gaslighting a person makes them feel like they have little control over their lives, allowing for the manipulator to become a “guardian” who guides their life for them.
11. Feeling insecure in the relationship
It is good to build up the people we are in relationships with, making them and ourselves better people in the process. However, if they always need validation for their ideas, how they look, and what they say, it isn’t a signal that they value your input. It is a signal they need constant validation in their lives.
Validating people can be helpful at first, being the person to build them up, but if they always need to be built up, it shows that what you are saying isn’t sinking in, and they lack the self-confidence to generate their decisiveness. Having to be a source of validation can be exasperating and severely hamper growth in the relationship
12. They like to poke mean-spirited “fun”
There are good-natured jabbings and fun. Then there are “jokes” disguised as criticism. An example could be Person A is insecure about their weight and is trying to diet. At a party person, A eats a slice of cake. Person B (the manipulator) comments something like, “wow, I should get a slice before you eat the whole cake.” Normally, this is a harmless joke. However, because person B knows the insecurity, it isn’t a good-natured joke.
Mean spirited joking is done to cause low-self-esteem. Also, person B might even be jealous of Person A’s positive progress and uses this to claw them back to where they were before.
The Next Steps
Getting help can be the scariest part, but it is an important step in improving the overall quality of your life.
If you can host a positive intervention and change the relationship – that is great! By recognizing the red flags, you can proactively work on fixing the relationship and make it something useful for yourself and the other party again.
However, sometimes the other person will not work with you, or it is not safe to even bring up addressing behavior in the first place.
Hopefully, these relationships are just friendship, or work relationships, that can be separated from your life by simply disassociating yourself with the person and slowly getting away.
Where to get help
Unfortunately, other times this person can be ingrained into our lives as a spouse, family member, or close community member. When this is the case, seek professional help or use some of the services below to get more assistance with the situation.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local emergency service.
If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
This guide from the HelpGuide is insightful on-how to get out of an abusive relationship
the DASH (District Alliance for Safe Housing) is an example of help in the Washington DC area, other cities have them as well. Google search for “abuse help near me.”
Main Take-Aways
- Relationships can provide a lot of variety and benefits to our lives. However, when someone is being self-serving and abusive in a relationship, it takes something that should enrich life and detracts from it.
- Red Flags in relationships can look different. The person does not have to be physically abusive. There is also verbal and mental abuse as well.
- Knowing the signs, and being on the look-out for the red flags can help determine if the relationship is healthy to continue before you get too involved with the person
Action Items
Assess the relationship that brought you to this article. Take a step back and look at it in an emotionally distanced way. Is the relationship helping you? Or are red flags like the above or similar ones always present? Look at it and determine whether you want this relationship to continue or if you need to cut this person out of your life.
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