How to Practice Self-Compassion

Why is it Important to be Kind to Yourself?

Learning how to practice self-compassion and be kinder to yourself is an important life skill. Studies out of the University of Texas found that people who have higher levels of self-compassion and know how to be kinder to themselves also exhibit higher levels of life satisfaction, emotional intelligence, interconnectedness with others, happiness, and curiosity.

Beyond that, Susan David a psychologist at Harvard Medical School has found that people who have higher levels of self-compassion tend to be more motivated, less lazy, and more successful over time. Just as important, Dr. David found that these people “like themselves, even when they fall short.”

It is easy to love ourselves when we are succeeding and doing well. It can bolster our confidence and make us feel like we are making progress on becoming who we want to be. Then we inevitably stumble. It is during these stumbles that we most need the self-compassion, but ironically, that is when self-compassion evaporates and leaves only self-criticism, making us feel even worse about the mistake.

Learning how to practice self-compassion can be tough because self-compassion feels like a touchy-feely word. Almost like something “other people” can practice, but not yourself. You deserve self-compassion too, everyone does!

But Being Self-Critical is Vital to Success?

To avoid feeling touchy-feely, we might lean towards being self-critical. Knit-picking ourselves for every mistake, never being satisfied with where we are, and being competitive with ourselves to push ourselves to become more.

This strategy does work for a little but it not how to practice self-compassion. Many high-achievers are self-critical. They are self-aware, which lets them realistically analyze their strengths and weaknesses to see areas of improvement. Analyzing themself leads to them pushing themselves, working harder, and getting their goals accomplished. However, when things don’t go well, they call themselves an “idiot” or “loser” for not hitting their own inflated personal standards. They also tend to stop themselves from celebrating their accomplishments because there is always the next objective to accomplish.

These negative traits are why being self-critical does not work. Its like punching yourself in the face right before bed after you’ve had a long day. It might encourage you to work harder to avoid the punch, but you can’t be perfect all the time. Plus, you can only take so many punches before breaking.

Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

Signs You are Too Self-Critical

Dr. Ellen Hendriksen of the Savvy Psychologist podcast describes both the signs of being self-critical as:

• Never being content
• Constantly feeling overwhelmed
• Always feeling guilty
• Going into tasks alone
• Being too humble

Being self-critical is a form of extreme self-improvement that works for hitting your goals but leaves you feeling mentally drained as a by-product. You can still accomplish your goals without having to feel these negative aspects if you learn how to practice self-compassion.

What Self-Compassion is not

Self-compassion isn’t about lying to ourselves by thinking only good things, and it also isn’t being over-indulgent in thinking that we need to love ourselves so much.

Self-compassion is about treating oneself as a friend, being more mindful and understanding of our situation in the context of the larger human experience. It is about being gentler with ourselves, and instead of giving in to negative emotions such as guilt, anxiety, disappointment, we can learn to handle these emotions for what they are.

Learning how to practice self-compassion is a balancing act, but it is one that can enhance our lives greatly.

Benefits of Self-Compassion

A study from Stanford found that self-compassion leads to increased productivity. When you are motivated by self-compassion, failure is not an indicator of defeat. It does not lead to “I’m an idiot thinking”, but instead seeing failure as a learning opportunity. Then, because you see your failure as a learning opportunity, you are more likely to improve your performance after failures because it is a step in the process – not the final step that determines your skill.

Self-compassion also leads to decreased stress. Harsh self-criticism activates the sympathetic nervous system and elevates stress hormones. This sting can be so intense we feel so stressed we stop learning. Self-compassion on the other hand, activities biological nurturance and soothing system that leads to greater feelings of well-being. Promoting both learning and feeling more in control.

Practicing self-compassion is like having a great coach in your life. When you get knocked down, they are there to pick you up while also helping teach you how to not get knocked down again.

Tips on How to Practice Self-Compassion

1. Be a best friend to yourself

When you are self-critical, do you talk to yourself like you would be to a friend? Probably not. Calling ourselves losers and idiots is not what we do to our friends. We are understanding of our friend’s situations, acknowledge where they did good, where they made mistakes, help them feel better, while also being proactive in solving the problem.

Do the same for yourself. Treat yourself like your best friend. Talk yourself through the situation and acknowledge how it went.

2. Foster a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck’s research found that having a fixed or growth mindset influences happiness and how people view challenges. Challenges can either be impossible obstacles or opportunities for growth. Employing the growth mindset leads to a happier life and also enjoying increased productivity towards learning the skills necessary to achieve your goals.

Embrace challenges, persist in them, and don’t give up on yourself.

3. Develop a Self-Compassion Mantra

Dr. Emma Seppala, a psychologist who studies self-care, encourages developing an easy to remember self-compassion mantra. The mantra will help you get a hold of yourself when you start to feel self-critical. Instead of indulging the self-critical talk, insert the mantra.

A popular mantra developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, the author of Self-Compassion, uses the mantra “May I give myself the compassion that I need.”

4. Stop the Good vs. Bad Labeling

Susan David found in a research study that 1/3 of 70,000 people label their emotions as “good”, “bad”,  “positive”, or “negative”. Labeling life this way makes everything seem like a black and white tug of war. Even in bad situations, there can be some good. When something goes wrong, instead of saying, this is “bad” – see it as “this part of the experience was less than ideal, but other parts were still okay.” 

Learn to see experiences for what they are, just a part of life.  

5. Practice Mindfulness

Harvard Health recommends being practicing meditation as a way to cultivate mindfulness. Being mindful means to have a “nonjudgmental observation of your thoughts, feelings, and actions, without trying to suppress or deny them.”

Being mindful helps with the labeling issue and also encourages an accepting attitude of your whole person, instead of trying to be perfect all the time. It means accepting the positive as well as the negative about yourself, while still working on improving the negative.

Learn about 7 meditation practices you can try today!

6. Express Gratitude

Being self-critical and striving means always looking for the next thing. When we get that next thing, we are already moving onto the new objective. Constantly chasing the next goal leads to a life of where we are striving, while never enjoying what we have.

The benefit of being grateful is it allows us to see what we already have in our lives, even the small things. Being grateful makes the journey of life much more fulfilling because you can enjoy both the life-changing achievements and the little victories along the way.

7. Pick Self-Compassion Over Self-Esteem

In her book, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff recommends picking self-compassion over self-esteem.

We are trained to tie our self-worth with our latest accomplishments and always comparing ourselves to others. However, there will always be someone more successful, intelligent, or attractive than us. Comparing yourself to others can lead to our self-esteem ping-ponging all over the place with whatever is happening in our lives. By tying our sense of self-worth to external factors, our happiness can ping-pong with whatever others are doing.

Instead, by tying our sense of self to self-compassion, we can see our life for what it is. Life is both successes and failures. Even celebrating our shortcomings and flaws for what they are, while acknowledging we can improve them with time.

Main Take-Aways

• Being self-critical seems like a great way to be competitive and gain an edge in our life. However, it can lead to anxiety, frustration, low self-esteem, low levels of happiness, and less personal development
• Self-compassion allows room for improvement, while still encouraging the benefits of growing and developing.
• Self-compassion is about accepting things for as they are while still trying to improve.

Action Item

Practice learning how to practice self-compassion by developing a self-compassion mantra. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. When you feel yourself being self-critical this week, stop yourself with the mantra. Next week, use another strategy. Practice being a best friend to yourself or having a growth mindset, for instance. Try this for a week and reflect on how you feel. Are you more relaxed and have learned more than you would have from being self-critical? Continue to foster that sense of self-compassion.