Learning how to forgive requires knowing how people operate. Every human has three basic needs – safety, satisfaction, and connection. We meet our needs in four major ways: by recognizing what’s true, resourcing ourselves, regulating thoughts, feelings, and actions, and relating to others. Laying out these thoughts creates the below grid, Richard Hanson explores each of these areas in his book, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Gandhi
Why Learning How to Forgive is important
Forgiveness is completely wiping the slate clean. We do not seek compensation, or punishment (though the justice system may still have to be involved). We can continue to think what happened was unjust, morally wrong, or a crime while still having good wishes for the other person. There is a sense that we understand what they did. After full forgiveness, we hold no grudges, and even feel a sense of compassion for them and could be willing to give the relationship a fresh start.
Sometimes, this full pardon isn’t possible, wounds can be too fresh, or we don’t want to forgive too quickly. Especially, if you are afraid to be manipulated by this person.
We still do not want to hurt ourselves though by ruminating on whatever happened with our hurt and anger – this is where disentangled forgiveness can be useful.
Disentangled Forgiveness
Disentangled forgiveness is for when we are still seeking compensation and justice. However, we should harbor no feelings of vengeance. We got the first hand dealt with us, but we can choose how we react. Ruminating, and bottling up anger/resentment only hurts us and makes the situation worse. Instead, focus on what went wrong in the situation. Plan out the actions, and disentangle yourself emotionally so you can handle it without adding on the secondary emotions that only backfire on you. People often start with disentanglement and then move onto a full pardon later.
To make the process of disentanglement more concrete, follow some of the steps below.
How to Forgive
Choose to Forgive
Decide to forgive. Sometimes feeling angry or resentful has its benefits. It can protect us and provide a sense of self-righteousness. “How dare they hurt me, I would never hurt them”. Choosing to forgive also means swapping out the benefits of righteous anger with the benefits of not being tangled up in whatever emotional baggage the situation brings.
Consider their Perspective
Without minimizing what happened, see the event through the other people’s involved eyes. What led to their actions? What are their values? How are your values different? Maybe they were ill, hungry, are having a hard time? Questions like these do not minimize what happened, but it is helpful to understand where the other party is coming from.
Take Responsibility for your Experience
Others are responsible for what they do, but we are responsible for our reactions to it. A helpful exercise is to pick ten people you know. If the same situation happened to them, how would they react? Visualizing like this helps us validate our feelings (everyone will react differently) while also seeing that others handle things differently.
Know what You’re Going to Do
Taking action could mean canceling plans with the party, seeing a lawyer, or anything else that is proactive in helping solve the situation. We can’t get bogged down in what others are doing, but we can control what our actions are. Knowing we are in charge of the plan helps provide a feeling of calm and gets rid of the sense of helplessness
Let go of any ill Will
“With disentangled forgiveness, you may not like the people who wronged you, and you may be taking action against them. But you are letting go of any hostility or vindictiveness”
Hanson
Forgiveness is an abstract concept, but we can still feel it. For me, it helps to focus on where there is resentment or anger in the body. My shoulders and jaw get extraordinarily tight when I am resentful or angry. To start disentangling forgiveness, I start with doing long exhalations of breath to relax my shoulders and jaw. I then view this as the anger leaving my body, and then breath in forgiveness and inner peace. Then I feel anger leaving with every breath, and that makes more room for forgiveness on the breathes in.
Another exercise is to view your ill will as heavy stones that you are carrying. Imagine how good it would feel to set them down, and then slowly walk away from the heavy stones of ill-will. Or take a real stone, put all your ill-will into it, and throw it far away (safely).
See this guide for other relaxation techniques to help you let go.
How to Fully Forgive
When we have let ourselves go of the emotional snares, we can move onto full pardon as time passes and we feel safer to do so. There is no time table, but for when we are ready below are a couple of tips to give a full-pardon
See the whole person
When we are slighted by someone, it is easy to reduce that person to one singular trait. An easy example is a person who cuts us off when we are driving, we view them as a selfish asshole for recklessly endangering others. However, we know this might not be the case, it might be a mom driving to see her son in the hospital, or a worker who worked an eighteen-hour and is tired just trying to get home.
Most of the resentment we feel in our lives will be with people we know well, family members, co-workers, friends, associates, and people we see several times a year. We will know them fairly well. Remind yourself to see them as a whole person. Their fears, their intentions, their background, and values. Seeing the whole view can make it easier to understand where they are coming from when learning how to forgive.
Take a Wide View
Take whatever happened and place it in the context of your whole life, including relationships and activities. Think of all the minutes and years that will be untouched by this event. By placing it in a grander context. See the benefits of not carrying around heavy stones of resentment. It becomes easier to forgive.
Main Take-Aways
- Forgiving can be difficult for many of us because it feels better at the moment to have vengeful anger or a sense of self-righteousness. This only hurts us in the long run because to have those feelings we have to carry around all those negative emotions.
- We do not have to give a full pardon to those who have slighted us. We can accept what happened by disentangling ourselves to not feel those negative emotions.
- Seeing the whole person and taking a wider view can help place the situation in context. Not minimizing what happened, but allowing ourselves to make better sense of it.
Action items
What have you been holding onto that you cannot bring yourself to forgive someone else for? Imagine how good it would feel for yourself to let go of these negative feelings. How can you use the tips above to help disentangle yourself emotionally from the situation? Learning how to forgive is a piece by piece process.
