Learning how to be more positive can add joy, kindness, and positive feelings for every single day. Having positive experiences is a proven way to become happier and live a fuller life.
Sometimes, however, when you go looking for positive experiences, all you end up seeing is the person who cut you off in the grocery line or the person who ignored you holding the door for them.
Don’t worry if this happens to you. It is completely normal.
Negativity is so Common
The average person has between 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thousands of thoughts, 80% were negative, and 95% were the same repetitive thoughts as the day before, a study from the National Science Foundation Found.
Beyond just the number, a scientist from Cornell found that 97% of our worries are baseless and only result in unfounded pessimistic perceptions. The 97% is because 85% of people’s worries never come true, and of the 15% that does come true, 79% of people discovered they could handle the difficulty better than expected, or that the difficulty taught them a lesson worth learning.
You are not alone in your overall feelings of negativity.
Why we See Mostly Negative
When the human species was developing over several Million years ago, it paid to be negative. The person who thought there was a tiger in every bush lived, while the person who didn’t think so didn’t make it. Natural selection slowly favored the humans who were more anxious, cautious, and expected the worst because they were the ones who were surviving novel situations.
Because of this negative tendency, scientists have termed it “Negativity Bias”. Scientists have found that it takes 5 positive experiences to negate 1 negative one. Which explains why your boss can give you a rave review at your year-end and say 1 piece of constructive criticism and that 1 piece of criticism is all you focus on for the next week.
The negative bias also trains people to focus more on the negative. Not only are the negative experiences weightier on our minds, but they are also what we look for. People are almost on the hunt for negative experiences because it affirms, they are awake and paying attention to the dangers of the world – or that is how at least our brain is wired.
The Problem with being so Negative
Being cautious helps you avoid dangerous situations, and a little anxiety even helps your productivity (link to the post talking about getting out of your comfort zone).
However, being in a state of chronic pessimism can be disastrous for your health. Studies have found consistent problems with those who experience chronic stress including,
- Increased anxiety
- Fatigue
- Sleep problems
- Depression
- Social withdrawal
- Over or under-eating
- Increased risk of heart disease
- Kills your desire to learn new things
Being pessimistic is okay as long as it is in moderation. The problem is when it becomes the only way in which you see the world.
How to be More Positive
Recognize your feelings while acknowledging what is real
If you are feeling negative, sad, or scared. Feel that. Emotional suppression has been linked to feeling socially distant because you can’t feel like you are yourself around others. So feel what you are feeling. However, do not let that experience or worry stop you from seeing the good. Live in the moment and see what is happening in the world. Don’t get caught up in your thoughts that detract from your own life.
Some days are just horrible, like the kid’s story, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very bad day. Accept those days and look for the next several to be better. Not every day will be great, but being positive is making sure most days are good.
Breathe
Getting out of your head can be tough. It took me a while to learn how to let the small things go. One of the best ways to ground yourself in your current experience is to just breathe. When you are feeling overwhelmingly anxious, take 30 seconds to close your eyes, and focus on yourself, and your breathing. Ground yourself back to reality, not your racing thoughts which will only make the situation worse.
Explore these other 3 practices to see other calming techniques as well.
See the Positive
Learning how to be more positive takes time to develop, like any skill. One exercise you can do to train yourself to be more positive is to see and write-down three positive experiences every day. You can do this before bed every night or write them down at the moment. I like to use my notes app to jot them down, and then write them in my daily journal at night.
See some tips on keeping your gratitude journal here!
Look for novel experiences every day. These don’t have to be life-changing positive experiences, but seeing the good in every day can be life-changing.
Just looking back on my journal, the last few days, I have seen, and been grateful for the following experiences:
- I woke up early and got to see the sunrise through my apartment window
- My editor enjoyed my latest post and I didn’t have that much to fix
- I saw a blue jay and chipmunk on the same walk
- A stranger let me have the right of way in traffic
- We had a team event over Zoom, and it was great to see and talk to everyone at one time again
- I’ve been able to make time to read every night for the past several nights
These aren’t anything that will be plastered on a feel-good story, but they are everyday experiences that remind me how good life can be if I just focus on the positive.
Make your happiness
Practice self-compassion to generate your happiness every day. Somedays, there are obligations from before sunrise to well into the night that it feels like you are living your life for everyone but yourself. That is okay, that is how some weeks go sometimes.
However, even on those super busy days, take some time for yourself. Take 5-20 minutes to meditate, read, exercise, or whatever makes you happy. It isn’t fair to yourself to go do things for everyone else and leave yourself feeling exhausted. Make time to take care of yourself every day.
Spread Positivity
Be a source of positivity. Think of someone who always brightens your day when you see them. It could be that one friend who always makes you feel good, the chatty co-workers who tell funny stories on a dreary Monday, or even the friendly clerk at the grocery store.
Can you try to be like that person a little every day? I am not saying to completely change your personality, but borrow from what they do. At least for one person every day. It can be holding the door for a stranger, handling chores for your spouse, or giving an exciting phone call to a friend you haven’t talk to in a while.
What can you do to brighten someone’s day today?
Spread that Positivity without Expectation
One caveat, you need to spread this positivity without the expectation that people will reciprocate it back. All you can is control how you respond and react to situations; you can’t force people to feel or answer in a specific way.
Some people might even respond to your kindness with a sneer. That is okay too. Do not let it discourage you from learning how to be more positive and spreading joy in the world. Remember the negativity bias, it takes 5 positive actions to equal 1 negative one. Don’t let the one negative destroy your feelings of kindness for others.
Far more people will appreciate your kindness (even if they don’t outwardly show it), and that will help spread even more positivity.
Spend time with uplifting people
Who do you spend your time with? Jim Rohn famously said you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Science hasn’t proven that one out, but it does make the point, who do you spend time with?
Social mirroring causes you to adapt everything from gestures, speech patterns, and attitudes of those you spend time with. By spending time with negative people, you will be more negative, and being with more positive people, you will see you are more positive.
Main Take-Aways
- Learning how to be more positive take time
- Learning to be positive starts with seeing the good things in everyday life and not letting the negative out-weigh the bad
Action Item
Start your positivity journal. Record 3 things every day that was positive for the upcoming week. Assess on Sunday how you feel about the world and if you are seeing things as more positive
