Green Flags in a Relationship

Green flags in a relationship are what to look for. Because of the human tendency towards negativity bias and seeing the bad in everything, green flags are easy to overlook. Appreciating the person and admiring the good qualities in the relationship can improve the relationship even further which fosters the relationship’s growth.

Red flags are the warning signs in a relationship. These are behaviors that alert to incompatibility, future heartache, and even possibly abusive tendencies. Red flags show that those relationships will not last and are not healthy for us without intervention.

Learn to see which green flags in a relationship you should keep an eye out for below!

Why Foster Healthy Relationships?

A study by Harvard Health found that having quality relationships is the difference between a happy life vs. a sad one. Social connections not only provide pleasure, but they also influence longer-term health just as much as adequate sleep, a healthy diet, and not smoking.

Harvard Health compared dozens of studies and found that people with satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer. Because having quality relationships lowers the effects of chronic stress and discourages unhealthy habits like substance abuse.

Fortunately, these studies have also shown that both receiving and giving affection/gifts/kindness has positive effects for both the giver and the receiver. Demonstrating that even in being generous you can reap the same benefits as if you were the one receiving the gift.

Can All Relationships Have Green Flags?

Traditionally, people look for red and green flags in romantic relationships. These flags can apply there, but also look in other areas as well. A quality relationship can be with friends, family, working relationships, and mentorships. See who is quietly waving all these green flags and focus on fostering those relationships to have a fuller life.

What are the Green Flags in a Relationship?

1. Underpinnings of equality and respect

A study from Campbell University found that relationships are healthiest when they are rooted in equality and respect, not power and control.  Having a foundation of equality and respect means that each person has an equal level of control when it comes to how the relationship develops and where it goes. On top of this, respect for the person has to underpin every interaction. Disagreements will arise, but as long as respect stays as a focus, then the relationship will continue to develop.

Once disrespect creeps in, the relationship will fall apart because it is difficult to develop a relationship once there is disrespect on either side. Because thoughts of “what does she know about this?” or “he is so dumb” make it difficult to see the person for their positive qualities when all you start to see is incompetence.

2. Strong Communication

“Marital distress is a consequence of poor communication, mainly that distress results from couple’s aversive and ineffectual response to conflict,” studies have found. Outside of just not handling conflict well, these couples make the situation worse by displaying more negative communication behaviors (rolling eyes, interrupting, not listening), instead of positive communication behaviors (gentle physical touch, laughing together, undivided attention) than couples in healthy relationships.

Couples who communicate effectively develop the ability to enjoy life more, and when arguments do arise, they can navigate the rough waters effectively making both parties feel heard. Leading to more positive communication and even stronger relationship after the fight.  

3. You are a team

What does this positive fighting look like? Fights are going to happen in every relationship, that is normal. What isn’t healthy is name-calling, blaming the other person, and attacking their personality.

Healthy relationships are a team. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen of Savvy Phycologist found that healthy couples approach problems with unified detachment. “Unified detachment is a fundamental shift in perspective that joins you and your partner against the problem…for example, ‘what should we do to save money for the future?'” Instead of arguing, “you spend all our money.”

Learning how to have a long-term relationship beings with this sense of unified detachment.

When problems are the problem, things get solved, when problems are the other person, it is an underpinning of something else that is wrong in the relationship, not that specific problem. Usually, a character flaw in the other party, and instead of working to fix the problem, attacking that trait only makes the situation worse.

4. You Know how to Recover from a Fight

“The Number 1 shared trait among successful relationships is being able to repair the bond after a fight”, found psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman. After the fight, one party isn’t left hurting or unsure of where the conflict ends. At the end of the conflict, an agreement is made with genuine respect. To end the argument – the issue is addressed one final time, both parties focus on mending the other’s pain, and final talking points are discussed and addressed. Instead of shying away from conflict, healthy relationships lean into a constructive conflict that, in the end, makes the relationship stronger.

5. You respond positively to each other’s good news

Communicating positive news can have a lasting positive impact even more than the positive impact of the event itself, a study by Shelly Gable and colleagues found. The study also found that the response from the partner mattered. In relationships where the good news was received with an active-constructive response, such as “that’s great. I knew you could do it. You’ve been working so hard” over a passive-constructive response, such as “that’s good news” reported higher levels of satisfaction in that relationship. Green flags in a relationship involve sharing in the joy of the other person as well.

It isn’t that the person just acknowledges the good news, but is genuinely happy and expresses an interest in hearing more about it.

6. You set boundaries and they are respected

Boundaries are the hardline in a relationship. On one side there are things you are okay with. On the other, those you are not okay with, don’t feel ready for or that make you uncomfortable. These lines are different for every person and every individual relationship. To think of boundaries, we are okay opening up our feelings to a close relative, but maybe not the neighborhood mailman.

What is crucial in relationships is that the other person respects those boundaries. They do not try to convince, manipulate, or insist that the boundary line changes. The line will change over time, and a healthy relationship lets that boundary move at a pace both parties are comfortable with.

7. You have time apart

Psychology Today found that marriages benefit when spouses have time for themselves. Time away can be either to pursue their interests or just relax. Getting time apart works because each party maintains individual identities and lets there be some control over their own lives. This alone time can keep the relationship fresh and even lowers the stress because there is less pressure for the other party to fill every need of the relationship. Sometimes the green flags in a relationship are when the other party gives you space to just be you.

8. There is trust and support

Couples are closer when each party feels secure sharing private aspects of their thoughts and feelings. Each party feels they can lower their barriers and let the other party see perceived weaknesses without fear of critical reactions from them. With this trust and support, couples report feeling happier and more content in their relationships, found a study from Campbell University.

This feeling of trust and support enables the open communication that is so important for the relationships to grow.

9. You don’t have a lot of extreme downturns in your relationship

In a study of different kinds of commitment, 400 couples were studied. What the researchers found was different types of commitment to the relationship. The most destructive was dramatic couples. These relationships were classified by frequent fighting and negative behavior towards the partner. Not surprisingly, these relationships had low lows and high perceived highs, causing extreme fluctuations in commitment towards the other person.

The best relationships were partner focused. These are characterized by focusing on the relationship as a whole and the well-being of the other partner. These relationships had less fluctuations and even reported higher levels of satisfaction, love, ambivalence, and leisure.

Main Take-Aways

• Healthy relationships are built on trust, equality, respect and developed through healthy communication
• Each partner needs to be able to handle conflict in a constructive manner and genuinely wants what best for the other person
• Each partner is their own person in the relationship and outside of it

Action items

Be on the look-out for green flags in one of your closest relationships this week. Take daily notes on the positive behavior this person exhibits. At the end of the week, write out a card thanking the other person for how they treat you and how you appreciate your relationship with them. It is important to foster those relationships that you cherish the most.