How to Improve Your Relationships | Through Gratitude

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”

Marcel Proust

Why Be More Grateful in the First Place?

We get used to our loved ones because of hedonic adaption. As we get to know them better, the actions they take and words they say filter into the background of our daily lives. It becomes difficult to be grateful for who they are.

However, taking the time to be more grateful can lead to an improved relationship with that person. Dr. Amie Gordon, a researcher who focuses on interpersonal relationships, found in several studies that

“gratitude can help relationships thrive by promoting a cycle of generosity. One partner’s gratitude can prompt both partners to think and act in ways that help them signal gratitude to each other and promote a desire to hold onto their relationships.”

Amie Gordon

Being grateful and showing it to the other person becomes a self-feeding cycle. Where both partners stay committed to the relationship, see the value their partner brings, and both end up feeling appreciated. Being grateful in a relationship continues this cycle over and over again.

Gratitude can apply to other relationships as well. It doesn’t have to be as intimate with friends or co-workers, but learn to see how they help, be grateful, and show your appreciation to these people too.

How to Be More Grateful

1. Keep a Thanksgiving journal

“One Thanksgiving, I decided to keep a Thanksgiving journal for my wife. Every day for an entire year I logged at least one thing I appreciated about her – the way she interacted with friends, how she cared for our dogs, the fresh bed she prepared…The funny thing was that the person most affected by this gift was me. All that journaling forced me to focus on my wife’s positive aspects.”

Dan Hardy

This is from Dan Hardy, author of the Compound Effect. Firstly, this is a great gift idea that we can do for anyone meaningful in our lives. Second, it shows the principle that we find what we are looking for. He was looking for the positive aspects of his wife, instead of the negative. Seemingly little gestures were noticed, like making the bed. These day-to-day gestures can become a source of appreciation for the other person. A great daily reminder on how to be more grateful in relationships.

2. Say a specific thank you

We are taught to say thank-you when we are kids, but repeatedly saying it can leave the sentiment flat. To give a better thank you, be very specific with your praise.

“Thank you for taking out the dogs, it freed up five minutes where I could get ready for work”, “thank you for cooking dinner. I had a long day and coming home to an already made meal makes me feel valued”, or try “thank you for washing the dishes today. I know you hate doing it, and it means a lot to me.”

These specific thank yous break down to:

Specific Action + How it Helped You + Why you Appreciate It = Thank you

Looking at studies from business, when employees are genuinely thanked by their manager, it increases their productivity up to an extra 50%. Giving thanks can happen in personal relationships too. Your partner is more willing to help around with daily work when they know they are appreciated.

Also, generosity is contagious, going back to that cycle. Being grateful makes the other person grateful as well, leading to a positive feedback loop.

3. Remember them when you succeed

Remember that in a relationship, you are a team. Like with Chris Rock’s joke, “sometimes you are the lead singer and sometimes you have to play the tambourine.” When you get a promotion, hit a personal milestone, or any other big accomplishment, think of the people in your life that got you there. It was them and your growth mindset that got you there.

Maybe it was your partner making nutritious meals or doing chores so that you had energy and time to work on your goal. It can also be your friends who encouraged you and picked you up when you hit obstacles. Remember to thank your support crew when you have success.

4. Send little gifts

In a study by Dr. Darlene Silvernail, an instructor at Southern University, “gift-giving feels good internally, and there are extrinsic benefits also.” These benefits include the sense of satisfaction seeing the receiver open the gift, the emotional happiness that arises when looking for the gift, and also induces that sense of reciprocity where they will be grateful for you.

Aim for small gifts, like flowers, cards, or chocolate. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive to get all of the emotional benefits of gift-giving. Better yet, make your gift. Make a card, a photo collage, or anything else that shows you appreciate having that person in your life.

5. Be grateful for who they are as well

When being grateful, it can be easy to focus on the actions of the other person. Look beyond the actions and see what their actions say about the person. If your partner noticed you were stressed and handled some of your chores, that shows they are empathetic and conscientious enough to think to make your day easier. Notice beyond just the actions and thank them for who they are.

Main Take-aways:

• Being grateful for the people in your life triggers a cycle of generosity, where both parties start to be more grateful and invest more in the relationship because both parties also get more out of the relationship.
• Being grateful starts with being present; it then moves to you responding in some way that shows you appreciate them. The secret to making it last? Cultivate this practice daily.

Action item

Keep a piece of paper with you or a blank note on your phone. Pick a person in your life. Write down one thing every day that makes you thankful for them. At the end of the week, thank the person for all of the seven things you are grateful for. Start this cycle of generosity and keep it moving forward!